Do you ever get that gnawing jealous feeling in your gut when you think about another person? Maybe it’s a family who seems to have it all and yours doesn’t? Or a friend you feel is beautiful and gets tons of attention? Who are you jealous of?
There are two things we tend to do with jealousy. We either spiral down and get really nasty or we begin to feel depressed and feel we won’t ever have we want.
I used to be very jealous of other women.
I remember walking down the streets of New York with my late hubby, Steve. He was a garment manufacturer back then and dressed to the 9s. He was a big strapping guy and gorgeous! I mean gorgeous. I mean the kind of handsome while in his 30s and early 40s that women would literally lick their lips at him with me standing by him! I am not exaggerating. I’ve seen it happen!
Of course, Steve was always flattered to get the attention, but he did nothing to provoke it nor did he ever act upon it.
I, on the other hand, wanted to rip those women’s eyes out and scream, “He’s mine! You can’t have him!”
Instead of feeling flattered that I had a man other women admired (and some wanted! Arrgh! LOL!) I always felt as if I might lose Steve. So what did I do? I became a control freak. I questioned him a lot and had a set of rules he had to follow. It’s amazing the man stayed with me!
Can you relate to my story? Have you ever felt that kind of jealousy? Maybe it isn’t with your partner, but instead it’s with your co-worker. Or if you’re a parent, do you see other kids that have it all and you bad-mouth them because you feel your kid doesn’t?
If I knew then what I know now about jealousy, life would have been a lot easier for Steve and me.
Over time, I finally figured out why I felt so jealous.
I didn’t like myself enough to believe that Steve would want to stay with me.
Jealousy is based in self-judgment. It’s not about the other person. It’s about you. There is something inside of you that you don’t like or that you feel isn’t loveable. You’re coming from a space of lack.
So how do you heal this green-eyed monster? You see it as a gift.
If I were to deal with jealousy now and be in the same situation as I had back then with Steve, I would first look at the other women and see what I felt they had and I didn’t.
For instance, some women who admired Steve didn’t bother me. The ones who did were usually decked out and dressed immaculately. There was my clue. I judged myself because of the way I dressed. I’d never been a fashionista and discovered I had judgment about myself because of this. When I went deeper into my psyche, I realized I had a false belief that said I had to look immaculate to have someone love me. That was definitely a belief I took on from my family and the media!
The truth is that I’ve never been into fashion and I most likely never will…unless lightning strikes me or I get hit over the head with a brick! I’m a sweats and jeans kind of gal. I like dressing up every now and then, but who I am is really laid back.
Once that belief was cleaned up and I gave myself permission to embrace my unique style (it’s often really unique…like sitting in my jammies as I write this blog!), I would become the observer of my life again.
I would watch my reactions to women and see if I still felt jealous. Then I would go through the whole process again of allowing my jealousy to guide me to the pain inside of me.
And that’s exactly what I did with Steve. Back then, I didn’t have this process so it took me a long time to figure out why I was in such lack. Over time, I finally discovered that there were a lot of things that I judged about myself that made me feel as if Steve wouldn’t stay with me because he didn’t like me. The main one being that I had a Scorpion’s tail that lashed out when I was in fear. I judged it back then and had no compassion for myself. But Steve didn’t judge me. He mirrored compassion and how I needed to treat myself.
That’s how I learned that my jealousy was really about the lack inside of me. I believed Steve felt the same way about me. But he didn’t. It was all inside of my head.
What beliefs are inside of your head that you project onto others and assume they feel about you? Look at that judgment. Where did it come from? Did something happen in the past where you felt you weren’t enough and now you’re projecting this pain onto the current situation and feeling jealous? What false belief about yourself triggers your pain?
Allow your jealousy to guide you and help you heal. Allow it to show you that you deserve compassion and are human. Allow it to help you embrace the real you.
Until next time!